DAY 1: A DIVORCE: WHAT DOES IT REALLY
MEAN?
Grief task 1 = GETTING CLEAR
ABOUT WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
In advance: Make a worry
tree or together with the
children. You can ask the child to bring the cuddly toy (bear) that you gave
them during the introductory meeting. Prepare pieces of paper with a hole punch
and colored ribbons (which often come with a bunch of flowers), or wool or silk
threads to hang the worries on.
Make a heart, star,
butterfly or angel from felt.
Prepare pre-cut felt, needle and thread, beads and filling (cotton wool or
extractor hood filter). (see examples below).
Or prepare a (bear) mandala to color in. (see for instance www.mandala.beginthier.nl)
Display worry dolls.
________________________________________________________
Teddy bear
With the teddy bear in their
arms, you can point out to children that they are going through a difficult
period in their lives. But that they – just like the bear – have enormous inner
strength. The bear will always remind them that they themselves also have
"bear strength".
Or are as strong as a lion,
tiger, elephant etc.
A divorce:
what does that actually mean?
A divorce means that mom and
dad no longer want to live together, because they no longer love each other
enough.
Mom and dad will always love
you, because you are their child.
There is an invisible thread
between you and dad and between you and mom that will always connect you. Even
when you are not with mom or dad. And even though you can no longer feel that
thread, it is still there!
If mom or dad are very sad
about the divorce themselves, they may have less time to play with you at that
moment.
But other things are also
separated. Like the money that mom and dad saved. Some chairs or tables or
cupboards dad keeps, other things like the couch and beds mom keeps. It's the
same with the music and books and things hanging on the wall or in the
cupboard.
That's strange, because the
house suddenly looks different. You may miss some things, now that they're
gone.
Carol Caterpillar (show the stuffed animal)
The caterpillar knows very
well what change is. That is something all caterpillars have in them, that they
will soon, when their life as a caterpillar is over, change into a beautiful
butterfly!
Saying goodbye is part of
life.
Carols' legs all have
different colours. A bit of sadness, a bit of anger, a bit of fear, a bit of
pain. Sad/boring/annoying and also nice, pleasant things are part of our lifes.
All people have that sometimes. But usually things go well and you can see that
from Carols’ green body.
You have some work to do, now
that your father and mother no longer live together, we call that mourning
tasks.
Just like you get
assignments at school, to
1 = get a clear picture of
what actually happened
2 = learn to deal with
someone you lost
3 = get a clear picture of
your feelings about the loss and how that feels, what you feel
4 = adjust yourself to an
environment without your departed mother/father/brother/sister
5 = make new friends
That's why I think it's good
that you come here five times.
We're going to talk and do
some crafts or coloring.
Should you
talk about it or not?
It is never fun to talk
about your father or mother who are leaving. Because you would rather forget
about it every now and then. And when you feel sad, you get a lump in your
throat and you can't say anything at all for a while.
Sometimes you don't have the
words to talk about your father or mother for a long time.
You can also tell your story
in another way, for example with a drawing, or cutting and pasting, or
coloring, or by writing a story about it.
It is better to talk about
it together than to think about it alone (because then you may have
misunderstood something that stays in your thoughts).
With someone else there, you
can put it into words better.
Who did you
tell that mom and dad are separated?
Do you ever
tell things to your pet or stuffed animal?
Pets and
stuffed animals can listen very well.
Do you feel
different afterwards?
Farewell: We
say goodbye very often in our lives. When you are born, you have to leave your
mother's warm belly. Or...
If you go to a different
class, you almost always get a different teacher.
If we move to another
location, we say goodbye to our neighbors.
And when your parents
divorce, you can no longer see your father or mother together each day.
Circle discussion with the talking stick
or talking stone –
What happened!?
The 'talking stick' originally comes from the Indians.
The Indians sit together around the fire to discuss the problems of the tribe.
They do this with the help of the 'talking stick'. The stick goes around the
circle and all the Indians know that the one who holds the 'talking stick', is
allowed to talk, and that the others must then listen.
(If children do not want to talk, they can let cuddly animals
talk to each other)
………………………………………….
OR
Just ask the wise wizzard (inner child), he will surely know
the answer. Just put it on your finger, and hold it to your ear, listen
…………………….
What does he say? …………………….
CHOOSE
QUESTIONS THAT YOU FIND RELEVANT AT THAT MOMENT
1. What happened?
2. What kind of
father/mother is your father/mother?
3. How come they are no
longer together?
4. Was it unexpected or did
you know it was going to happen?
5. Who told you that your
father and mother were getting divorced?
6. How did you feel then?
……… Angry, sad, scared, relieved, or something else …………
7. How did your
father/mother leave. Did you say goodbye?
8. Sometimes fathers and
mothers argue
about with who the children are going to live. That is very awful.
Sometimes it helps if you say: "I feel really nasty that you are arguing
about me".
9. What happened to you the
first few days after your parents separated?
10. How often do you see
your father/mother?
11. Did you have to move?
12. What is your most
unpleasant memory?
13. Going to school: What
was that like for you? Did you want to go to school or not?
14. Now that mom and dad are
divorced, what does that mean for you …….
15. What do you find
difficult ………, how do you deal with that?
16. What do you disagree
with?
So a lot changes during a
divorce.
A DIVORCE IS
SOMETHING BETWEEN ADULT PEOPLE.
YOU CAN'T DO
ANYTHING ABOUT IT
AND IT'S NOT
YOUR FAULT THAT IT HAPPENS!
CRAFTS:
Make a stuffed heart, star
or butterfly or angel out of felt, decorated with beads.
A
guardian angel
Worry tree
(Place a branch in the classroom or at home or draw on a large sheet of paper):
When the children have
worries, it is important that we acknowledge them.
We write the worries on
notes and hang them in the tree with a nice ribbon (for example colored ribbon
from a bunch of flowers), so that the worries get a place and we take them very
seriously. In this way, the tree and the children carry their worries together.
'Worries are allowed to be
there, simply because they exist.'
We dress the worry tree with
all kinds of nice and pleasant things, so that the worries do not only have to
be carried by the tree, but do the elves, the butterflies, the grass, the
flowers etc. also carry our worries, then the tree becomes a tree of life.
Every person has worries.
These are thoughts that are in your head and you take them with you, wherever
you go.
What are you worried about?.......... Please note: There can be multiple worries
Worry
doll
The worry doll originally
comes from Guatemala. The story goes that all children there receive a worry
doll from their parents to tell all their worries to.
Especially before going to
sleep; that is the time when most people start to worry. By telling the worries
to the doll and putting it under their pillow (it can also be next to your
bed), the children can share their worries and sleeping is easier.
This way you acknowledge
that the child has worries, which in itself helps.
Magic
wand: Wishes: (Behind every worry there is a
wish).
What would you
like to wish/want? ……… Do you have any more wishes? ………
Play the
following video with the song Hakuna Matata from the Disney movie The
Lion King. It means: No Worries, Be Happy for the rest of your
life.
Grief
task 2 = LEARNING TO DEAL WITH LOSSES
Realization of the loss,
realizing that mom and dad are no longer a family. And they are no longer going
to live together.
It can help if an adult
recognizes that life is not always fun. But sometimes also difficult, confusing
and annoying, rotten.
What helps
when you miss your mom or dad?
(ask if they have any ideas
themselves) . . . . . . . . . .
1. A photo of mom or dad to
look at and talk to. (Also in the òther home)
2. Talk about it with your
family or with the teacher.
3. A scent of dad/mother on
a handkerchief (or a worn t-shirt), to take to bed with you in the evening,
then it seems like your dad/mother is with you.
4. Layers of clothing on top
of each other (t-shirt, blouse/shirt, sweater) provide warmth/security. As well
as warm feet.
Have you ever had a
boyfriend or girlfriend that you really liked at first, but later on you didn't
like that much anymore? How did that happen?
That's how it went with your
father and mother.
If mom and dad can’t go on together
anymore, there is still something very beautiful left from the time they were
together. AND THAT'S YOU (and your brother/sister)!
--:--
This is the end of day 1.
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Give them a worry doll.
At the end, you can ask the
children to make a drawing about saying goodbye and everything that goes
with it. And bring it next time.
If you do this with a group
of children, it's fun to show the drawings to each other.
Then let the children tell
something about the drawing on day 2. …………………………
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